I was going to repost the Ostara/March writings from last year but as I read through them, I realized that I was in a new place, new territory. Perhaps it is the recent death of my best friend and lover that has really brought forward this contrasting of light and darkness, pain and joy, being in love and experiencing great loss. Even in this very March, we have been having more Lion than Lamb in our weather and yet in the last two days I have seen this extraordinary quality to the Lamb light that my heart knows so deeply and my mind has yet to find words for.
My heart is looking so deeply at the Lion parts of this year. The storms that came through yesterday whipped the trees, disabled my remodeling project utterly, and provided the most magnificent show from Mother Nature! Also out of the deal, I got a treat spending the afternoon with my Dad. The hyacinth and daffodil bulbs that we put in between rain showers last Mabon are already popping out, and they are gorgeous! Our Cherry and dogwood trees have the cutest little buds that are erupting with pink! Normally I would be jonesing to get out into the garden, shooing the kitties and the puppies away from the raised beds, but this year is different.
The storms inside and outside have interrupted my normal love affair with this season. Spring normally woos me outside to work off the dark of winter. But this season is filled with a tension that causes my perspective to shift, the days to lengthen, and my ability to sleep peacefully has disappeared.
I have yet to enter the garden for any length of time.
But as I drink my coffee and watch the weather it is striking me that I am interacting with this tension, not just now, but all the time. The loss of Shon has awakened in me an awareness that each moment, and by that I mean every moment, is filled with this tension between storm and joy. This Vernal Equinox is showing me the bitter paradox: the tension between outward and inward flow, the lengths of the tides and I am deeply struck. How could I have missed this last year?
How could I have not have felt this lion’s roar last spring? Was my perspective too narrow? Or is it just that I am getting older and therefore farther away from the naivety of my childhood? There is a gift here, an enriched perspective. For the time being, I just don’t think that I have found it.
So I watch the storm. And I watch the bulbs. There is tangible grace here
Perhaps I should get into the garden tomorrow. Just in case the puppies get into into the beds.